


I Really Fucking Hate You

by jelllywolf



Category: Original characters - Fandom
Genre: AU, Alcohol, Angst, Fluff, House Party, Kissing, Other, Teasing, Unhappy Ending, anger issues, commitment issues, pretty rushed idk, this is my first story ok, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:55:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29709885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jelllywolf/pseuds/jelllywolf
Summary: Rowen and Joseph meet in August.Rowen craves attention. Joseph craves change.Together, they'd cause inevitable doom.
Relationships: Roseph (Joseph x Rowen)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	I Really Fucking Hate You

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [coup de grâce](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/766803) by ffonippop. 



> hello hello this is just a short story based on another!
> 
> i read it and really enjoyed the dynamic and decided to write a kind of au(?) inserting me and my friend's characters into it instead. check out the original piece this was inspired by! it's amazing
> 
> i suck at writing cus it's been a while since i've written things like this but we'll see how this goes LOL
> 
> for future reference here are their pronouns:  
> rowen - he/they/she  
> joseph - he/they  
> everett - he/it

Rowen processes things with anger.

Every single emotion he feels turns into a bubbling hatred. A strong desire to tear apart whatever emotion he’d previously been feeling.

All they know is rage. All they feel is fire. There’s a constant flame lit in his stomach, and when pushed the wrong way — when pushed ANY way really — it grows. It runs up his throat and the hot words come roaring out; she cant stop it.

He’s demanding and intriguing. The kind of person you want to mess with just to push their buttons. Someone you want to know, but not too well or it might get messy. A confusing person that you’d never be able to understand no matter how hard you try to analyse them. 

He thrives in being completely and utterly pissed off at everything and everyone. There’s hardly ever a reason to it, either. It’s just what they feel. It’s become a part of them. Anxiety turns to sadness turns to anger. Excitement turns to nervousness turns to anger. Admiration turns to jealousy turns to anger. Everything inside of him is just a big, growing, hot ball of hatred.

This is why Rowen barely has anyone around them. People don’t stay long when they experience his wrath and explosion of fury. 

On the other hand, Joseph constantly feels boredom.

Staying around the same atmosphere bores them. He can’t stand repetitive people. He can’t stand careful people. 

He doesn’t get hooked on people or places or objects. He doesn’t stick to a routine, they’re always itching to move on to something else. 

Joseph doesn’t get attached. He doesn’t grow fond of others, he doesn’t pity.

All he craves is change. All he wants is difference around him. When he wants something, he’ll get it. He’s the bad kind of ambitious. You’d lay eyes on him and be brought to your knees, he’d ask you for something and you’d give it.

Joseph isn’t used to being told no.

He’s hardly ever been told no. 

So when Joseph meets Rowen at a party on a cool August night, even the universe is watching with a bowl of popcorn to witness their inevitable doom.

—

The party took place at a relatively large house, different friend groups merging and drinking together. The music was semi-loud, not loud enough to make your ears ring and quiet enough for it to be a party you can actually stand to be at. 

Joseph stood to the side, a cold red cup in hand with some alcoholic beverage in it; he hadn’t bothered to even know what it was. He didn’t care to know what he was consuming, he liked the adrenaline. 

He narrowed his eyes a tad, trying to see if he recognised any faces. Their eyes landed on a tall figure with red coloured hair, a sharp nose that complimented his chin shape perfectly, cold intimidating eyes, drinking god knows what and if Joseph was being honest, the dude looked pretty out of it already. 

A smile tugged on the black-haired boy’s lips, a kind of smug smirk as if he knew something everyone around him didn’t. Except they actually didn’t know anything secret at all — he just felt alive.

He tore his eyes away from the random dude he was staring at, a sense of familiarity running through his brain although he didn’t bother to talk to the dude. He looked pretty busy cheering on some grey-haired girl playing a drinking game.

He could easily go and flirt with someone, hook up and be treated like a king. Watch as the person obsessed over him and gave him everything he wanted and asked for. But that was the usual, and Joseph was bored.

They let himself outside, pushing past the bodies smoking on the front doorstep and catching sight of a small figure sitting on the sidewalk. For some reason, he was curious.

Despite the cold rushing under his large black hoodie and biting at his slightly-tanned skin, he let himself walk over to the guy he’d set his eyes on and sat beside them, tilting his head slightly to allow himself to see his face. 

Small nose, long white hair tied in a loose bun at the back of their head, very pale skin. Was he sick? His eyes looked a muddy colour, which Joseph recognised as red in his mind. He’d never seen someone with red eyes before.

“Hey.”

The figure beside Joseph spoke first, an eyebrow cocked up in confusion as to why this random guy had just sat beside him and stared at her for probably a little longer than they should’ve.

“Hey,” Joseph returns, shamelessly keeping his eyes locked on them. He noticed the pastel pink shirt engulfing her small frame, a tiny smile now on his face. He was pretty.

“What’cha doing out here?” He asked. Someone might’ve thought his straight-forwardness was kind of rude, but Joseph didn’t fear backlash. He lived for moments like this — taunting a stranger in hopes of a change to this evening.

“Didn’t feel like joining in. My friend dragged me here,” Was their response, eyebrows now relaxed and Joseph just let the other examine his features as he had done to him moments ago. He felt proud of himself for starting a conversation with this stranger. Maybe tonight wouldn’t turn out so boring after all.

“Oh yeah? What’s their name?” Joseph prodded, chewing the inside of his bottom lip. He knew he sounded pushy, but they couldn’t bring himself to stop. He never could.

“Everett,” They said, then smiled widely. If Joseph read too much into it, he would even dare say it was mischievous. Daring.

“Sad, you’re asking for my friend’s name before asking for mine.”

Joseph stared for a moment, then chuckled; low and genuine.

“Well, what is it?” He asked breathlessly, letting their eyes fall to watch as the other fiddled with the hem of their pink shirt, who was staring down as if searching for an answer.

“Rowen.”

Joseph hummed in reponse, licking his lips as they’d dried from the cool air.

“That’s a pretty name,” He found himself saying in reponse. “I’m Joseph.” 

Rowen nodded in reply, eyes now finding their way to look at the taller man sat beside him. It was almost humorous how shameful he was with her gaze. An outsider could dare say they were very obviously checking Joseph out. 

“Pretty, huh?” They challenged with a cocky grin, the air thickening around the two of them. Joseph ran a cold hand through his hair, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Mmhm,” Is all they hummed in reply, glancing around before leaning a little closer to the white-haired figure sat beside him on the dirty sidewalk. He locked eyes with the other, an unspoken invitation lingering in his gaze. 

“I see...” Rowen mumbled, a little quieter now, eyes narrowed slightly and hyper-focused on Joseph. “So what would that make you?”

Joseph shrugged, corners of his lips tugging upwards. “I dunno. Why don’t you decide for me?”

“Ahhh... Now, do I flatter you, or destroy every ounce of your self-confidence?” Rowen asked rhetorically, earning a scoff.

“Ridiculous,” Joseph exasperated, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms. “You compliment a guy and they suddenly don’t know how to act...” 

“Hey, I didn’t say which option I was gonna go through with yet,” Rowen reasoned, giggling almost devilishly. “Don’t be so impatient, dickhead.”

“I am not impatient!”

“Dramatic, then-“

“Not that either!” Joseph laughed, eyes widening as he stared at Rowen incredulously. He didn’t take them for the bold, playful type. But he loved the unexpected.

“Whatever,” She smirked, waving it off as he reached out and twirled a string of Joseph’s hoodie around his finger. 

“I think you’re hot, then,” Rowen whispered, meeting eyes with the boy, who had an unreadable expression for a few moments. He blinked, letting his eyes trail down to stare at Rowen’s pale lips.

Rowen noticed and tugged on the hoodie string, that daring aura never leaving them. It intoxicated Joseph, made him yearn for more. He wanted to hear more, maybe even feel more of the smaller frame sat beside them. 

Joseph wasn’t an expert at reading people, but Rowen’s body language and tone of voice was pretty inviting to him.

“Rowen!” A sudden voice yelled out from the house. Both of their heads snapped towards the sudden voice, to see a dirty blonde-haired boy stumbling down the front lawn, brown and slightly worn-down sweater engulfing his frail frame. Once he made it to where the two were, he basically collapsed onto the floor; just barely managing to keep his head up.

“Everett...” Rowen sighed, running a hand down her face at the sight of his black-out drunk friend looking up at them with a dopey smile. 

Joseph examined the small freckled boy on the floor, lips barely agape in concentration. It had multiple piercings and honestly, Joseph thought it was kinda cool. He smirked in amusement as Rowen tried to stop Everett from yelling out random things, looking at Joseph apologetically.

“I need to get him home uh- OW!” He grabbed his ear as Everett punched it, pouting.

Joseph knew Rowen would have to leave at some point — this was much earlier than anticipated — but rather than feeling disappointed, he felt excitement.

He felt a kiss pressed against his cold cheek, raising his eyebrows as he watched Rowen back away and stand up, tugging Everett with them.

“See you around, loser.”

The black-haired boy watched as the two walked away, Everett flinging himself around singing some kesha song as Rowen tried — and clearly failed — to shut him up.

All Joseph could do was smile to himself. 

Rowen treated him differently to how people usually did at parties. Usually, they wouldn’t tease him like that. It was always straight to the point; upstairs, clothes off, praises and pampering afterwards. But tonight Joseph didn’t get that far with someone, and he liked it. They weren’t treated like a fragile, pretty doll. His stomach roared with excitement at the dangerous change.

Tonight was different, and although he didn’t get what he wanted, they were satisfied.

—

Rowen and Joseph met again in September. Same house party, although a few new faces.

Joseph was stood holding a cup identical to last time, staring boredly at the wall, when a familiar head of hair caught his eye. A smirk instantly played on his lips as he stared at who he had identified as Rowen. He was wearing something very opposite to last time; black ripped jeans, black fishnets, a black jumper with purple accents.

She looked good.

When they finally spotted Joseph staring, he smiled mischievously — Joseph had seen that last time. 

Rowen made his way towards Joseph, stopping before him and biting his pale lip.

“We meet again,” Rowen greets. He looked much more lively in comparison to last time Joseph had seen her at a party. He liked to think it was because of him.

Joseph hummed in response, barely audible over the random Panic! At The Disco song blasting over the speakers in the main room. He felt daring tonight, he wanted to push Rowen’s buttons a little. 

“Not gonna use words?” The white-haired boy asked, narrowing his eyes almost in a slight warning.

“You,” Joseph started, pushing his index finger against Rowen’s chest as if to emphasise that they were who they were talking to. “Are a tease.”

Rowen stared for a moment before rolling his eyes. “Oh really?”

“Yeah,” The taller replied, taking a sip of their drink. He scowled momentarily at the burn of the alcohol in his throat, placing the cup down on a nearby table.

“How so?” Rowen queried, staring at Joseph as he usually did when he was focused on something, or rather this time, someone.

“Nothin’,” Joseph shrugged, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Really, what they were being stubborn about wasn’t even Rowen’s fault. A cheek kiss was better than nothing. However, Joseph was adamant on getting what he REALLY wanted. The fireball in the pit of his being was growing with an aching need to seize what he desired. He was going to get it tonight or he’d implode.

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” Rowen responded with that challenging tone, taking a step closer to him. Joseph just rolled his eyes and grabbed the smaller’s jaw, tilting his head up slightly and staring into her eyes.

Rowen swallowed loudly, not daring to look away from Joseph, although a smirk played on his lips. Joseph hated how confident the white-haired boy looked even when being held in a rather dominant way. It made him want to kiss their pretty face until they were no longer capable of even saying her own name.

“Doesn’t it?” Joseph whispered, and he knew Rowen was anticipating something. He knew they wanted something to happen. So instead of giving in, instead of going with the expectations, he let go of the other’s jaw and stood up straight, watching the fire enter Rowen’s eyes.

“You fucking-“ Rowen stopped their own sentence and stared for a moment before they grabbed Joseph’s shirt, tugging him forward and pushing their lips together. The kiss was messy, desperate, demanding; and who was Joseph to reject that?

Joseph stumbled back against the wall, the shorter following. As he was pushed against the wall, Joseph felt a spark in his body. He felt ignited, like that fireball had grown larger, his want leading him.

Rowen smirked against the older boy, hand moving up to his hair. They basked in the control they had over Joseph in that moment, anyone else around them a blur. He wanted Joseph all to himself, and they’d do anything to make him stay. Everyone always left, but Rowen had a strange attachment to the black-haired boy. His dumb light freckles painted across his cheeks, his pretty green eyes, his messy mullet hairstyle, the small silver ring pierced in the left of his nose; everything drew Rowen closer. The way his dark eyeliner was smudged along his eyelids, the chipped black nail polish on his fingernails. He was really pretty.

As they pulled away for much-needed air, they locked eyes. Joseph felt rather small under the other’s burning gaze, furrowing his eyebrows as the shorter backed away.

“You’ve got a little issue down there,” He whispered with a smirk before leaving Joseph dumbfounded against the wall, eyes wide and face red. 

—

The next week was truly, unmistakably boring.

It was like every other week Joseph had to endure, and he was so sick of it. They glared at the floor as if staring at it long and hard enough would cause it to split open and start sucking everyone in, destroying the world as they knew it.

Anything for something different for once.

So when their phone chimed, alerting them of a new message, his face lit up.

Rowen 2:30pm  
hey  
wanna meet?

Joseph 2:31pm  
what if i say no?

Rowen 2:31pm  
shut up [location attached]

Joseph blinked at his phone. He would be an idiot not to go.

Joseph 2:32pm  
omw

—

At around 6pm, Joseph still hadn’t left Rowen’s apartment. They’d spent the majority of the day bickering light-heartedly, making out, and were now on Rowen’s bed after finishing eating the pizza they’d ordered.

“You’re really fucking annoying for someone who wants so much, you know?” Rowen commented as Joseph had been complaining about anything and everything. Joseph scoffed. 

“Congrats, you noticed,” He responded sarcastically, looking at the white-haired boy who was laid on his back, head tilted against the pillows slightly as she stared at the ceiling. 

Rowen glanced over at him in response, sitting up and grabbing Joseph’s face, squishing his cheeks inwards.

“You think you’re all that but really, I know I hold so much power against you,” Rowen whispered lowly, staring into green eyes. Joseph swallowed.

“So I suggest you shut up and take what you’re given, unless you’d rather leave?” He said more like a question, but Joseph knew he wasn’t waiting for an answer. They both already knew the answer. Rowen let go of his face and laid back down, leaving the sitting boy to stare after them in a daze.

Every time Joseph was with Rowen, he had an overwhelming amount of adrenaline pumping through their veins. They were always so unexpected and it fuelled Joseph. He always felt hunted, like Rowen was a lion and he was a perfect piece of meat. It wasn’t fear, but anticipation.

But he wasn’t attached. Oh, Joseph would never be attached. That’s laughable.

“And you assume so much for someone who barely knows what I’m like,” Joseph snorted after a few minutes, earning the attention of the boy laid beside him. He bit back a smirk, knowing he got the attention he wanted.

“Hmm?” Rowen hummed in question, already sitting up again and turning to face Joseph.

“I think I know exactly what you’re like,” She started, climbing into Joseph’s lap and placing either hand against the sides of his neck, brushing their thumbs along the bare skin. 

“Bratty, kinda straight-forward at times, stubborn, bit of a loser...” They started, leaning closer to leave a wet kiss against his lips, rolling Joseph’s bottom lip between the rows of his teeth and tugging it before pulling back.

“But really hot...” Rowen trailed off, running a hand up to caress his jaw, eyes dark. He licked his lips slowly.

Joseph stared up at the other incredulously, all the backtalk he had planned just washing away as if he was a lifeless shell laid by the crashing ocean. Rowen leaned down, kissing hickeys onto Joseph’s collarbone, listening to how his breathing went uneven. They licked at the purple as it formed, enjoying how quickly Joseph had shut up.

“So tell me,” Rowen whispered against the boy’s tanned skin, sending shivers down his spine.

“Am I assuming, or are you just THAT easy to read?”

—

Days pass by, and Joseph doesn’t know when they started seeing each other more often in their own apartments rather than a crazy teen party.

They’d grown closer, for sure. Playing dumb video and card games, ordering take-out and watching the lamest movies to then rate them out of 10.

Joseph almost always gave them a low rating, claiming they were boring. Typical.

Surprisingly, Joseph actually found himself enjoying Rowen’s company. It was rare they managed to actually be around someone for more than a few weeks, but with Rowen’s unpredictable moments and somehow never repeating the same activities twice, Joseph found it easy to be around the white-haired boy.

Without being labelled “together”, Joseph found that Rowen was possessive. He wasn’t like his previous relationships, where they’d care about his feelings a little too much. Rowen was a dangerous flame, they didn’t think about the results of their actions. They just did things with no regrets. And that was probably something that drew Joseph in.

He was in love — but he wouldn’t admit that to himself. He convinced himself he was just infatuated. He was just obsessed. Rowen was like a drug, and Joseph wanted more. He was drunk on the way Rowen would look at him, the way he would kiss him. He had convinced himself that he would never let himself fall in love with someone so dangerous, and he would never let someone fall in love with HIM; someone so dangerous.

It wasn’t so effective.

—

“So, are we like, boyfriends?”

Joseph was taken aback by the sudden question one night. He’d been at Rowen’s apartment for about a week and a half. He hadn’t left, surprisingly.

“Uh, what?”

“Uh, what?” Rowen mocked in a high-pitched voice, earning a scoff from Joseph. “Exactly what I said, idiot.”

“I guess?” Joseph shrugged, flinching slightly as Rowen slammed his hand on the table.

“What kind of response is that?!” He exclaimed, narrowing his eyes at the black-haired boy. Joseph waved his hands around in surrender.

“Hey, chill! I meant like, yeah, if you want,” They said in an attempt to save themselves of that horrible response. Rowen sighed and looked away.

“If I want? Obviously,” He huffed. He was frustrated, mostly because of how indecisive Joseph was being. He usually was, though. 

“Then yes,” Joseph shrugged, watching as Rowen smiled slightly. It was kind of cute, how he tried to hide those small things. But Joseph was observant, and things like that never got past him.

“Okay.”

Joseph moved over and wrapped his arms around Rowen’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Do you love me?” He whispered the random question into Rowen’s ear, catching him off guard, although they closed their eyes and huffed.

“Yeah, I do,” Rowen replied, turning her head to press his lips against Joseph’s, as if to confirm his words were true. Joseph believed them, anyways.

Joseph wouldn’t say it, but he loved Rowen, too. 

—

Joseph was bored.

For once, he was sat with Rowen, and he was bored. He stared at the wall, hot words trying to bubble up his throat from the destructive volcano in his stomach. As much as they tried, they knew he couldn’t attempt to stop them.

“Do you ever get bored of someone?” He asked, anything but cautious, because he knew no matter how he conveyed his words Rowen would react the same way. Rowen wasn’t sympathetic, he acted how she wanted and that was it. 

“What did you just say?” They side-eyed Joseph from where they were sat on the bed, eyes tearing off his phone screen. “Are you implying that I’m boring?”

“I mean, not necessarily,” Joseph shrugged, but Rowen was already sitting up and bunching his fists up.

“You know there’s a door right there, perfectly functional, if you just wanna, I dunno, leave?” Rowen scowled.

“No, wait,” Joseph started, sitting up too and looking over at his partner.

“I mean like, I hate repetition... I need change. Things need to change,” He tried to explain. “I never stay in one place for long, like... like this.”

Rowen narrowed her eyes as he listened to Joseph, so many words on the tip of their tongue.

“So being in such a long-lasting relationship is so... Different?” He said more like a question. They’d been dating for a few months now, and Joseph’s relationships never usually got past the 1 month mark. 

“So you’re saying you don’t like me anymore,” Rowen deadpanned, sitting up straight. The hot anger was overtaking his body, raking his teeth along his bottom lip.

“You know what, that’s perfectly fine! Do you think I care?” They spat. Joseph widened his eyes.

“What? That’s not what I said—“

“It sounded like that to me!” Rowen exclaimed, letting out an aggressive sigh. 

“Chill out, Rowen,” Joseph sighed. They’d had arguments before, and while Rowen blew up, Joseph was calm. He didn’t see the point in being so angry like that. It was pointless and a waste of energy.

“I was just saying I don’t want to fall into a pattern,” They shrugged, fiddling with the sheets on the bed. “It’s nice, y’know, dating you. I don’t want anything to ruin that.”

Rowen stared hard at Joseph, very clearly frustrated.

Joseph’s lack of commitment bothered her. It was like it was always walking on a thin line, and one day, that line would snap. 

“Whatever...” Rowen mumbled, watching as Joseph offered him a cookie from the batch they’d baked earlier. He took one, still sulking, but stayed silent about the whole ordeal. There was no use in trying to say anything.

—

Everything was just going downhill.

It had been more months now after their last small argument, and Joseph’s skin itched. Everything Rowen did or said romantically made him feel sick.

Now laid on the couch, the smaller passed out with his arms around him as they slept quietly, all Joseph wanted to do was throw him away and beg for difference. He hated the familiarity of Rowen falling asleep beside him while watching a film. He hated waking up seeing Rowen’s stupid smile and hearing her stupid voice. He hated it all.

He felt guilty. He didn’t want something finally going well for him to crash and burn, but it was so inevitable and he knew it. Eventually, their relationship was going to skyrocket like a crashing plane. 

The thought that maybe their relationship just wasn’t working scared him. The thought that maybe he was falling out of love scared him.

Every time he would stand in the shower he wished for the water to wash away his dumb crave for change, too. They wished they wouldn’t have the need to make everything crash and burn, but it was so unavoidable that it hurt. He thought maybe scrubbing his skin a little harsher than usual would just get rid of the desire in his stomach, but it never did. Of course it never did.

Joseph just wasn’t ready for it to end.

Now stood at the grocery store, Joseph stared at the ground in deep thought.

“Helloooo? Joseph?” He was snapped back to reality hearing their voice, looking up.

“Huh? What?” He asked, blankly staring at the shorter. Rowen gave him a look.

“Okaaaaayy... Umm, I was asking if you wanted pepsi or coke,” He said, a weirded-out look on his face as he eyed Joseph. He shrugged.

“Get either.”

Rowen scrunched up his face at the boring answer and just picked one, deciding not to confront him about his strange and dull behaviour in the middle of a store.

—

Once they got back, chaos erupted.

“What is wrong with you?” Rowen demanded as soon as the front door slammed closed. He followed Joseph into the kitchen, who turned to face him with a bored look.

“What?” Cocking an eyebrow, he asked.

Rowen was furious.

“What the fuck is your problem!? That’s “what”, you jerk!” He practically growled, a bomb set off inside them. They stared menacingly at the taller.

“I have no idea what you mean, Rowen,” He sighed in frustration, shrugging. “Care to elaborate?”

Their carelessness enraged Rowen. He was ready to explode, ready to let out his fury with hot flaming words — tear into Joseph’s skin like a knife.

“You push me away every damn time I try to... to do literally anything! Seriously, I thought maybe you’d been in a bad mood but it just went on, and on, and on. So just spit it out already!” The fire was scorching hot inside of them. He felt like the fire himself. He felt demanding.

“You wanna know what’s wrong?” Joseph narrowed his eyes, stepping towards Rowen. 

“You. Are so fucking boring. You fucking suck. Your kisses make me feel sick. Your touches make me want to burn my skin off. I fucking hate you,” He spat, staring into red eyes. 

He hated that he missed the way he’d used to look at him so affectionately. He hated that he missed when they’d looked so relaxed as he slept silently beside him, compared to when they were awake and always had something to say. 

He fucking hated himself for feeling this way. For letting his worries fall out of his mouth so freely. For allowing himself to fall for someone.

Someone so dangerous.

“What did you just fucking say to me?” Rowen asked incredulously, eyes widening in pure shock and fury. Joseph said nothing. What else could they say? 

“You’re such a coward,” Rowen laughed, running a shaking hand through his white hair and sighing loudly. “What, am I not good enough for you? What else do you fucking want, huh?” 

Joseph scoffed and pushed past the other, making way towards the door. He heard angry steps follow him.

“Fine, run! Run like you always do!” Rowen yelled, meeting cold eyes as Joseph twisted around to look at him.

His partner didn’t look so friendly anymore. He saw the fire built in the smaller boy’s eyes. He felt their wrath and fury and heat. Joseph still wasn’t scared — Rowen wouldn’t scare him. 

Joseph knew he shouldn’t say the things he was about to say. He knew he would never be able to undo this — once it comes from his mouth, it stays out. 

“Fuck you, Rowen. This is why nobody ever fucking stays. You’re the worst. Looking at you now, I think I get why everyone leaves you,” Joseph sneered, voice laced with ice and poison. It was deadly.

“Just give up. Nobody will ever fucking love you.”

He swings the door open and walks out.

— 

Joseph wished for an escape.

Months went by and him and Rowen hadn’t spoken a word. Sometimes he dared to reread their past messages, crack a smile and then scold himself for missing someone.

That’s not what he does. He doesn’t miss people. That’s stupid.

He tried to forget about long white hair, attached to pale skin. They ignored how whenever looking into anyone else’s eyes, their first thought was “but they aren’t red like his”. 

Things looked a lot less prettier now.

Joseph went on with the change. The sudden loss of someone he learned to love was supposed to be thrilling, it was supposed to be his purpose of living.

Nothing was quite like Rowen.

No matter how many people Joseph kissed, no matter how many people Joseph spoke to, it didn’t compare to him.

They wondered if they too were struggling. He wondered if Rowen also went home to an empty apartment and missed cooking for two people. 

Joseph knew he was selfish. His existence was to be selfish. He was a careless, craving, ambitious individual with fucked up wants and commitment issues. It was bound to destroy him at some point.

And it really did. 

—

It’s funny when the two meet again in January.

It wasn’t the same, though. It was quite the opposite.

Joseph sat outside where they’d first met, outside that dumb party again. This time, there was no red cup to accompany him. 

He sat alone.

They turned as he heard footsteps close to him. The owner had a familiar face, although it was also entirely different.

He stood up.

It was as if they had never met.

Red eyes were cold, unfamiliar and uninviting. Joseph for once fell speechless. He found there was nothing he could say to make this go his way.

And he was usually good at that.

“Rowen, I—“

“Save it.” 

Joseph falls silent. He was almost silently pleading for Rowen to listen to him — at least humour him by letting him explain himself. But he knew it wasn’t that easy; he knew Rowen.

“What is it, you miss me? Want me back? Save it, Joseph,” The cold weather seemed warm in comparison to the boy’s quiet voice. Joseph felt mocked, rightfully so, as he knew this was all his fault. He knew he’d fucked up everything sweet.

Rowen sounded fragile, but in all the wrong ways. As if one tap would shatter him and he would explode like a volcano. Her words were lava waiting to ooze out and destroy everything in its path. 

“It doesn’t fucking matter anymore-“

“Rowen, please, let me talk to you,” Joseph suddenly begged, grabbing their wrist and tugging him slightly. Joseph didn’t like to beg for things that weren’t worth begging for, but Rowen was worth everything.

“What do you want me to say? That I miss you too? That I want nothing more than to go back to how we were before? I can’t, Joseph,” Rowen huffed, voice venom. The black-haired boy let out a defeated sigh.

“I love you, but I really fucking hate you. I want nothing more than for you to die.”

Joseph looked up at Rowen with wide eyes, but saw no trace of regret in those red ones. He felt cold, he felt scared. He’d never felt scared before.

Rowen tugged his arm away from the other’s grip and barged past him, heading back inside.

Joseph was left alone, outside on the sidewalk beside a dumb house party.

He’d never hated change as much as he did now.


End file.
